Tempting Fate

Listening to: Pieces by Linkin Park

Mood: numb

Weather: freezing

Song stuck in head: The Fake sound of Progress by Lost Prophets

Do you ever think about the point of life? If destiny is real and we're born with a path already written, then what's the point in living it out. All the acts, the conversations, the interactions, the people you meet, the places you end up all planned with nothing anyone can do to change the course.

Being brought up to think "how would I feel walking in their shoes" so that you'd understand. All I've ever learnt from that is that I'll never want to be like any of them. Really, try walking in my shoes, I'm sick of walking in everyone else's... my feet are hurting and my spirit's broken. 

Stupid dreams people force you to imagine, meaningless relationships people force you to live through. And for once when you feel you've found something worth living for even if it's a lie, even if it's a temporary lie, they try to take it away. Yes, they may be right and I was probably living the biggest lie, but it was my lie and I was in ignorant bliss. Isn't that what survival is? You always think you'll be something different tomorrow but when a dog goes to sleep it'll only wake up as a dog. 

What is your meaning? What do you live for? Show me.

Self Destruction

Miming to: All My Life by Foo Fighters
Feeling: self destructive
Losing: everything

Story is I've been in a rather sh*t mood recently. Issues with a few people, working with people I live with, and their mates storming into work argueing over domestics. And do people talk to you like you've got a different side too? My aunt called up this morning and she always ask to speak to Jenny... I mean who the hell is that? And she always asks how we'd arrange to meet up so that my mother (her controlling older sister) doesn't find out. The question to myself is, who's my mother? I've lived with way too many sets of parents, in too many houses, and we've even recently set the record straight with the current "mother" I live with that I've probably once seen her as MY mother once but that was history long gone. Why couldn't the conversation simply have went "we're busy today, can't see you/never want to see you, can we reschedule" because the truth is it's her who keeps calling me up saying her daughter wants to see me!

Oh and according to MSN I've just commited the last of the 7 deadly sins of blogging... happy reading!

Where is the love?

Listening to: Hero by Nickleback
Eating: Okra
Mood: upset at the bent gear lever, so evasive on Ebay as well!

Society, religion, politics, maths, art, philosophy etc... you know what I mean. What are they really all pointing to? What is it leading us all to? Call me naive but the sad truth is: 23 years down the line and I'm STILL confused about life and what our meagre existence is all about.

History that's been and gone, civilisations that's risen and fallen, people who's lived and died... how can one life which has so little meaning in the big scheme of things mean so much to the other meaningless lives around it?

I used to have so much faith as a little girl, going to a Catholic school and believing in God. Still remember the prayer that put me off praying once and for all... I prayed to God for a dog and he made me live with men, what a piss taker!

No One Knows

Listening to: If everyone cared by Nickleback
Place: Devil's bridge
Sauce: Pesto with Fennel
Question: PC or Mac
Missing: taro

Why does the weather always lie? And it's not like you can sue it if it f*cks you over either. How can what seemed a perfectly calm, gentle day turn out to be like a galestorm... OK to be fair that was moving at high speed on a motorbike without a neck warmer. I swear my memory has nothing to do with drugs although Frank would probably beg to differ.

The other thing that's been toying with my mind is the (now) ancient question of whether to go with the PC or Mac. It seems like the Mac's slowly getting a hold on me. Though doesn't it make you worry how much impact advertisements has on us nowadays? I've always prefered Jez over Mark (in Peepshow)... they're both just as much of a dork as each other so it's a difficult decision really. The Mac's definately prettier on the outside and it makes you curious what's really on the inside that makes it apparently stable and reliable, but my worry is if it can handle the lastest games? A mate suggested "duo booting" it... how the hell do you do that?!

Stuck at work

Sitting: on a big comfy office chair
Thinking: nothing, braindead

Went to York yesterday and spent the whole day wandering around aimlessly. If you're asking me why we were wandering around in the 4 degree whether then... no, just don't ask. On the bright side, the abbey is very pretty and Fruli cranberry beer is very yummy even for my poorly belly. There were many steps to be climbed before reaching the rewarding view at the top. Yesterday Christianity taught me that:

1. you need more exercise if you want to get to the top
2. gargoyles look down on you
3. little children will always beat you to it (the lil brat took the last tealight i was going to light for myself... i meant others)

Other highlights include a weapon shop selling 3 point shurikens and samurai swords. Unfortunately didn't have any of the weapons the girls used from The Mummy. The swords are apparently legal for taking on planes if the airport security ever confiscates your nail filer.

Angie was on the phone last night filling me out on her new interest of love who she now might be moving in with although last I heard (2 months ago) they were only sleeping together. What's that all about?! I've been "sleeping" with the same guy for the past year and a half and look where it's gotten me!

Pics of York to follow...

Can life be free?

Freebies: sample sized deoderant, entry to the Urbis
Drinking: banana bread beer (???)
Covered in: Body Shop's grapefruit seed oil body butter
Song stuck in head: World Price of Love by New Order

Spent the day at the Urbis, all I can say is one word... cold (town that is, not the Urbis)! Funky building, with a lift which moves unexpectedly upwards and sideways. I'd like to say I went to the Urbis today out of my passion for art and exhibitions, but really deep inside I reckon it's just to avoid the plague of 13-year-olds in the house reason being my brother's birthday. The section on advertising had some interesting but rather disturbing images... apparently the new buzzwords are guerrilla, stealth, ambush, buzz, viral, grassroots, wildlife, and ambient. How many of them can you fit into one call?

Other than that, the only news is that my body is smelling a bit too tangy for my liking, though the body butter is a nice shade of pink which more than redeems itself.

Oh, and the guy I have a stupid attachment to STILL hasn't called.

Moan moan moan...

Drinking: Hoegaarden
Eating: Butterbean goulash
Listening: Ben Folds - Still Fight It
Watching: Men In Pain (TVB series)
Wanting: Macbook, Cagiva Planet, new clothes... oh the list goes on

Either my mates are sick of me moaning on about the bitterness of life or they just don't want to know... so I'll let it all out to the unknown public instead, aren't you lucky!

Life is so depressing at the moment. It's winter, it's dark, no career, no money, not even a guy to cuddle up to at night, and last but not least it's Valentine's Day tomorrow and I don't even have a date. But what's really bugging me is that I don't even know what Valentine's Day mean? Is it just an occasion to meet up with someone half decent and probably slept with a few times (and if not, use the date as an excuse to do so hehe) or is it a chance for God to spite those of us who are clearly difficult and can't for the life of us keep a guy down (or up depending on how you interpret that)? The cynic in me is grumbling "who wants to fall in love anyway, better off growing old and living with cats"...

And do you know what else is bugging me? Men! One weekend you think you mean the world to them, 3 weeks after you realise you're just some tart he shagged. It doesn't even make sense. It's time like these I step back and think... am I the problem? What makes me so difficult and undatable? Is it the make-up (lack of), the hair, or do I suck that badly in bed? Or is it... the egocentric way that I type posts which make people fall asleep but feel obliged to read to remain one of my so called friends.

On a lighter note, Hong Kong was nice, Franda was great looking after me, and teaching English to 9 year olds meant I got to yell to my heart's content :) Enjoy the random pics!